You just signed your Divorce Complaint and now the journey begins. Despite how you might be feeling (or not feeling), it’s time to put your big-girl panties on and figure some shit out.
First item of importance: how is the living situation going to change? If you are planning to remain in the marital home, take some time to think practically about your living space and make some plans regarding home repairs and jobs which were previously performed by your ex. I’m a huge list-maker, and it really helped me feel more in control when I put plans and ideas on paper before my divorce.
Familiarize yourself with the utilities and account numbers. Start putting some utilities in your name and begin separating bank accounts. Once your divorce is finalized, you will need all accounts to be in your name alone.
Start really thinking differently about your finances. For some of you, this will be the first time you have ever done this. I can’t count how many women I met over the years who didn’t even know how much money was in the joint savings account! You’re on your own now and will need to make sure you and your kids are stable financially. If you feel overwhelmed by this process, consider hiring a financial planner for a couple of hours. You may be getting some alimony and/or child support, but more likely than not, that money is not a reality yet. You may need to transition from at-home mom to put-food-on-the-table mom. Believe it or not, some exes won’t pay you what they owe you.
This transition was super scary for me. I was an at-home mom for 15 years before my divorce. My ex did not pay his child support. Ever. Our lives changed drastically very quickly. We moved from our comfortable family home to a 2-bedroom condo. My kids had to leave their friends behind and change schools. I had to find a job sooner rather than later.
If you don’t have any job leads, reach out to friends and family. If you haven’t been in the working world for a while, networking is key. They have all offered to help you numerous times during the divorce, but maybe you haven’t accepted their offers. Take my word for it – you need to accept their offers. My friends and family gave me money, gave me furniture, helped watch my kids, and helped me find my first job. One day you will pay it forward for another struggling and frightened mom who needs it.
Once the most important issues have been dealt with, it’s time to be kind to yourself. Don’t leave yourself out of the equation, or you won’t have anything left for your family. They need you to be healthy and happy.
Are you getting enough sleep? Are you exercising? Do you have friends you can talk to when you are feeling low? It is very easy to say “I don’t have time to exercise or sleep.” You need to make these things a priority. Map out your week and figure out how to fit self-care into the schedule.
Don’t forget to speak kindly to yourself. This is easier said than done, especially if you are feeling emotional and run-down. Shortly after my divorce, I bought Post-it notes and wrote inspirational phrases and stuck them all over my house. I still do this today and strongly believe that we create our own destiny.
Another thing that really helped me trudge through the tough stuff was a gratitude journal. Even when things seem desperate or unmanageable, you can always find something to feel grateful about. There were some days I struggled to write something good – I had to dig deep. There were days I was probably only thankful for The Real Housewives of New York or thankful that I didn’t kill either of my kids.
Find a mom’s group. Even better, find some moms who want to walk together or take a yoga class. The divorce process is exhausting and often emotionally draining. My mom friends were my life-line. If you can’t find any real-life moms, find a chat group online, group therapy or group coaching. Don’t feel guilty for taking time for yourself. Model the behavior you want your kids to emulate. They are watching and need to learn self-care.
How are the kids doing? Do they need some counseling to help them work through their emotions? Some kids really benefit from having someone to talk to who is removed from the situation at home. Some kids would rather eat brussels sprouts than talk to anyone about their feelings. Whether your kids want to talk or don’t, try to take a few minutes each day to check in with them and let them know you are still available to them if needed. My efforts often went seemingly unnoticed (and sometimes doors were slammed in my face), but now that mine are adults, they tell me that they remember and appreciate my efforts.
It is very easy to fall into a pattern of eat, sleep, work, rinse and repeat. You may feel as if you are just treading water and trying to survive. I felt this way myself for the first few years. Looking back on it now, I know I was just in survival mode.
Now is a great time to rid yourself of items you don’t need or want. This can be a very liberating experience. If you don’t feel motivated, commit to just 15 minutes a day. You know there are at least a couple of items in your house that you secretly loathed for 17 years. I met a woman who sold nearly every piece of furniture in her house after her divorce and shopped consignment stores for new-to-her furniture. She said it was better than therapy!
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