The Dumpster Fire That Is Your Marriage
- Should I stay for the kids? (The answer to this is usually no. Kids need happy parents who model healthy relationships)
- How will I know when it is time to stop trying?
* Close your eyes. Picture your version of a perfect life. Is your spouse in the picture?
- Lies you tell yourself - like it isn’t really THAT bad. (Girl. I repeated this one lie to myself for well over a decade.)
Taking The First Steps
- Fear is a great motivator. Use the adrenaline to propel you forward.
- Do I need a lawyer?
* If you have any money whatsoever and would like to keep any of it post-divorce, yes, you need a lawyer.
- How to choose a lawyer
* My mantra: I believe women understand women. If your lawyer has a vagina, she has jumped through the first hoop. Even better if she is a mom.
* Yes, you can (and SHOULD) interview lawyers. Do it even if it isn’t free.
- When you really DON’T need a lawyer: No kids, no assets, amenable and mutually respectful breakup.
- WATCH WHAT YOU POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA!! Lawyers look at social too, y’all! (and they won’t hesitate to use that shit against you).
- How to tell the kids and your spouse the divorce is going to happen: Spend some time with a pen and paper prior to this conversation. It’s easy to lose track of your point when you’re emotional. Keep this discussion short, succinct, and kind. (No drama)
Lies Your Ex Will Tell You (because they don’t understand the law – or because they are trying to scare/hurt you)
- You won’t get a dime from me
- I will take the kids from you
- I will decide how much alimony/child support to pay you and I will control how you spend it.
- You will have to move out of the marital home
- The kids will hate you
- I can’t afford to support two households so you will have to get a job
I know it’s extremely hard and scary to hear these words from your partner, but try very hard to keep calm and make sure you communicate your needs and desires very* clearly with your attorney. You’re paying for someone else to handle that stuff on your behalf.
How To Save Money On Legal Fees (without cutting corners)
- Gather your personal financial information:
* This will include pay stubs, 3 or more years’ worth of tax returns, mortgage statements, bank and credit card statements
-Remember it doesn’t matter who did what (unless you are fighting for custody)
- Keep your nose clean.
* I cannot stress this enough. If your ex has a lawyer and wants to fight dirty, it is very easy to do.
-If you are fighting for custody, don’t post anything negative on social media. Watch your drinking and/or other activities. Private investigators are easy to find and are used regularly by attorneys. You will have to spend your own money to counter any allegations of bad behavior.
- If it cost less than $500, just let it go. You will spend more fighting about it. - unless it was your great aunt Ethel’s ruby toe ring or some item with personal value.
- Work on removing emotion from the equation. You will have time to grieve the loss of your marriage and the life you expected later. Just get through the hard stuff first.
- Get a therapist and/or divorce coach – chances are they are much cheaper than your lawyer!
- Make a list of questions to ask either by phone or by email once per week. Your attorney may charge you to read and respond to emails, so a short phone call is sometimes better. If you choose to schedule a call, write your questions down and set a timer for 30 minutes.
- Ask your attorney to prepare you for depositions and hearings/trials so you feel less overwhelmed.
- Some attorneys schedule unnecessary hearings and hire experts to generate income. Even if the attorney you have chosen does not do this, the attorney on the other side might. If you need to establish child-support or alimony and visitation, a temporary hearing is a good idea. Once you have a Temporary Order in place, you should be able to hammer out the bulk of the major decisions yourselves and send them to the attorneys to draft an agreement.
- Mediation: Some counties require mediation if the divorce is contested. Show up to mediation prepared to do the work. Many divorces are settled during this process. You will have to pay for the mediator’s time as well as your attorney’s time, so use the time wisely.
How To Begin Rebuilding Your Life
- Figure out how the living situation is going to change prior to the divorce, and preferably, prior to mediation. This take a huge load off of you so you can focus on finances/custody.
- Find some friends who have been there. Do yoga. Be kind to yourself. Cry and then wipe your tears and focus. Put your big girl panties on and get ready to kick ass.
- This is a big one: GRATITUDE. Happiness is achieved and maintained by focusing on the good things in your life. Think of them often.
- Brain-storm ways to transition from at-home mom to put-food-on-the-table mom, if necessary.
- Get rid of stuff. Divorce is GREAT for getting rid of the stuff you never really wanted in the first place!
When Your Kids Hate You
- Try to remember that the divorce is not their fault. Model and practice patience.
- Get them into therapy
- Don’t blame yourself – remember you are doing the best you can. Divorced mom guilt is a real thing. My kids are grown and I still catch myself feeling guilty about things I might have done better years ago. Try your hardest and then let the rest go.
How To Be Poor
-Aldi and other discount grocery stores are your friend. I got divorced during the kids’ summer break and the cost of feeding those animals nearly put me in the poor house – until I discovered Trader Joe's and Aldi!
- Sell shit
- Cancel cable
- Embrace the suck: it won’t last forever. I promise.
- Learn to bargain shop
* This was a hard one for me because I had grown accustomed to shopping in nice stores and buying full-priced items. But, once I learned to accept my new normal, I became a pro at discount hunting.
Custody and Visitation
- Make notes regarding what kind of custody and visitation schedule you want prior to discussing with your attorney – and if possible, discuss with your ex.
- Be realistic
* No judge is going to deny a parent visitation unless there is a very good reason. Judges want kids to see their parents. Try to keep your anger and resentment out of the custody/visitation process. If you cannot do that, it will hurt your case, isolate your children and cost way more money than it should.
- Parenting Plan: Figure out who will carry health insurance for the kids, learn about physical vs legal custody, work with your ex to determine who will have final decision-making authority for religion and extra-curricular activities, and hammer out a workable holiday (and summer break) schedule. Some parents find that a week on, week off schedule works for them and some prefer the more traditional every other weekend and one or two nights per week approach. This depends largely on the schedules of the kids and if the parents live close to school(s). I found a sample Parenting Plan online and used that as a template. The more you figure out on your own and collaborate with your ex, the cheaper and easier the process will be for everyone.
Dating And Sex (eek!)
- Don’t jump right into something new because you are lonely.
* It may sound cliché, but you must find happiness alone before you can find true happiness with another person. Use this time to get to know yourself again. You will be surprised by how much this process changes you.
- Wait 6 months before introducing a love interest to your kids
- If there is a morality clause in your Divorce Agreement, (a clause which prohibits over-night romantic guests) make sure you honor it. Kids talk and your ex will find out. The last thing you want is to end up back in court to fight over the minutia of your Agreement.
- Expect awkwardness on a first date
* Dating is not what it was when you were younger
- Online dating is a great way for busy people to meet each other
- ALWAYS meet in a public location for a first (and maybe even second) date!
- Don’t be afraid to Google/Facebook stalk them – they will be doing the same to you!
How To Juggle Single Motherhood, Full Time Job, Kids Activities And Still Manage To Feed Everyone And Clean The House Occasionally
- Let’s face it: sometimes, cereal is a meal.
- If you can afford it, get some help with house-cleaning and baby sitting
- If you can’t afford help, find a local mom’s group and trade off with other moms for babysitting
- Cut kid’s activities down
* No kid needs to have an activity every night
* After a major life change, down-time is vital for the whole family
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